New year, same me.

So it's been quite a while since I have posted anything on here! It's finally 2012 and back to the ol' work and grind.

It's a new year, which for most means new beginnings. Some people have resolutions they want to make, some have goals they want to reach, and some are just starting all over again, brand spankin' new.

As for me, I am still the same. I still have the same goals set in mind. Not many new ones just yet. Of course, I would love to accomplish some things on my bucket list this year! (Lord willing)

For starters, God has placed a passion for children on my heart. Which is why I am becoming certified in education so I can teach precious little babies every day of my life. I feel as if God has also placed a little bit of a deeper calling for children overseas. I spent a week last summer in Haiti and fell in love with the orphans there. Going to Africa one summer to spend time with orphans is a huge goal for me. I hope to scratch that off my bucket list soon!

I ran my first 5k last semester at the Susan G. Koleman 'Race for the Cure'. It was absolutely a thrill! Thanks to my loving, supportive boyfriend, he endured the pain of 3 miles with me. This has sparked a bit more of a passion for running in my heart! I plan on doing a 10k in March, let's see how this works out! With lots of training and praying for strength, I'm sure it'll be a breeze. One less thing to mark off!

Lastly, for now, I want to sky dive. Good golly, what an experience that would be! It's one of those things where I really want to do it, but when offered the opportunity, I feel like I would totally chicken out. It's going to happen though. I just know it. As crazy as it sounds, I want to jump out of an airplane (strapped to a professional of course) and fly through the air thousands of feet above the ground! Talk about an adrenaline rush!

But, as of right now in 2012, the bucket list of goals and dreams stays unmarked. I'm sure God will allow me to accomplish a few more things, if not add more to my list! I can't wait to see where I am led this year and what blessings and tribulations will come my way.

(Me and my love in our last picture of 2011!)

"Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths; guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Remember, O LORD, your great mercy and love, for they are from of old. Remember not the sins of my youth and my rebellious ways; according to your love remember me, for you are good, O LORD." Psalm 25:4-7

Lord Undo Me

I heard this prayer on KLOVE this morning......it's been on my heart ever since. Hope it touches you all as much as it did me.

"Lord Undo Me"

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions
or with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory

Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone

I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again

By Blake Williams

Quality time

The older I get, the more I realize my parents are really cool.

I remember when they use to give me the most amazing, unforgettable advice and I would blow it off like they had know clue what they were talking about. But the older and more mature I have grown, the more my love and knowledge about them grows. It's a strange feeling, but so comfortable and so peaceful.

It's almost a lot like that with Christ. I can remember being in youth and even younger and thinking I knew just what Christ was doing in my life but it didn't have that much of an affect on me. The older and more wise I become in Christ, the more I truly and deeply know how much Christ means to me and how much I mean to Him. The beautiful thing about it all, is it will continue to grow, forever. Twenty years from now, I will look back and have even more knowledge about how beautiful and magnificent Christ is.

I realize more and more how important it is to spend quality time with Christ. I use to just imagine it as maybe saying a simple thank you every now and then or maybe confessing one little white lie sin, but nothing more than that. My heart yearns for Jesus now. I crave to have a conversation with Him. But lately, things have been really tough on me. I feel as if I am just worn out. Sometimes my mouth and brain can't even function enough to speak to my Father. I felt as if even reading Gods word was not giving me the right kind of satisfaction I needed. I tried dealing with it for a couple of weeks until I just couldn't handle it anymore. I broke down and cried. I needed strength from my Father, but I felt as if I was too weak to even try and ask for it. Through this pain, I realized that is when the Spirit works for us. My dad sent this to me the other day, (which in turn proves what I was saying about just how cool my parents really are):

"Gods Spirit knows that we need strength when times are difficult. That's when the Holy Spirit intercedes for us. There are times when we do not know how to pray—when sorrow or helplessness overwhelms us to the point that words are impossible to speak, even to Jesus. All we can do is cry to Him. Thankfully, the Spirit will plead on our behalf—He understands the depth of our thoughts, feelings, and needs, and He translates them into effective supplication according to God’s will."

Knowing the Holy Spirit works on our behalf, when we can't, gave me hope. I had a sigh of relief when this thought came into my head. Am I still feeling in a funk? Sure, but that's life. Sometimes we go through hardships and nasty dry spells with our faith, but at least, for the time being, we can grasp onto the fact that God is never going to fail us. We may not know exactly why this is happening or even what is going to happen, but we do know we have hope in Jesus' powerful name. My devotional couldn't have said it better, soak it in:

"I am all around you, hovering over you even as you seek My Face. I am nearer than you dare believe, closer than the air you breathe. If My children could only recognize My Presence, they would never feel lonely again. I know every thought before you think it, every word before you speak it. My Presence impinges on your innermost being. Be blessed by my intimate nearness. Since I live in you, let Me also live through you, shining My Light into the darkness."

Someone worth dying for

I have the absolute best job in the world.

I babysit three beautiful little souls who, even when they're a bit moody and crazy, bless my life more and more every day. God has shown me how much he adores children, so innocent, pure, and fresh. Almost every morning I roll out of bed, go to their house, either fall back asleep on their couch or have my quiet time with my Father. This is one of the reasons I love my job.

God has given me a place to go and meditate on His word; in an environment where I feel absolutely loved, encouraged, at peace, and comfortable. I brought my study bible with me one morning, along with my morning devotional, and was blown away by what God had to show me that day.

I had been in a super funky mood the past two days. My spirit wasn't at rest and I felt as if I was in a dry spell; as if I wasn't growing spiritually but also I wasn't falling apart, just stuck. It has to be one of the hardest things to explain, but I felt as if my life had no meaning. I felt like I was in such a routine that I was making no effect on the world to benefit God in any way.

As I was flipping through the bible, just waiting on God to show me something, I couldn't find anything that was giving me peace. I read story after story, proverb after proverb, and still wasn't feeling anything. I was (and most of the time am) really emotional and started crying. I was definitely glad the kids sleep till almost noon every day so I had my moment to get all of this out of my system before they woke up and saw me.

I stopped, said a little prayer, rested in Gods presence, and went back to reading my bible. When I got to Philippians, I read chapter two about Christ's example of humility. As I was reading, I looked down at the footnotes and the most simple, short sentence caught my heart. It read...

"While Christ had every single right to stay comfortably where He was, in a position of power, His love drove him to a position of weakness for the sake of sinful mankind."

How could I possible be so selfish as to worry about my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, my dry spells, when Christ has done this very thing for us? This kind of love blows my mind. I cannot fathom any of it, yet I am so driven by it all. God showed me, through this simple verse, that He doesn't want me to worry about why things are the way they are, but to just thank Him for the life He has given me because of His love for me. Christ made himself nothing, emptying himself to come down to earth and save everyone, including me.

God wanted me to quit worrying about my feelings, good or bad, and to just rest them in His hands. Feelings are not sinful, but they can be temptations to sin. Blazing missiles of fear fly at us day and night and these attacks from the evil one come at us relentlessly. Affirming our trust in God, regardless of how we feel, is a blessing to not only our life but to Christ as well.

We are to bring our anxieties out into the Light of Gods presence, where we can deal with them together. God has chosen us as someone worth dying for, that alone deserves all praise and glory the world can give.

I am so thankful for the freedom God has given me, the job He gives me to show me what a blessing we are through three beautiful souls, and the life He allows me to live. He receives every bit of glory, for my past, present, and even my future. I am always going to find myeslf dragging in life, every now and then, but one day, my Father will come down and rescue us from this fallen world and our eyes will be uncovered to see the world as we could have never imagined it before.

"Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him." Isaiah 30:18

(Check out the devotional "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young)

Timelessness

I always try so hard to fathom what is beyond our comprehension and understanding in everything God has created. He has a reason for absolutely everything He breathed life into- nature, humans, emotions, feelings, love, our minds, the trees, flowers, and even the time. God has created 60 seconds in 1 minute, 60 minutes in 1 hour, 24 hours in a day, 365 days in a year. It's crazy to think of how intelligent He is and His purpose for the littlest things such as that. But even the little things can get us off His beautiful path He has planned for us to walk on.

God has laid a lot of things on my heart and time being one. For humans, time is a protection; we are frail creatures who can only handle 24 hour segments of life. Time can also be a tyrant, ticking away relentlessly in our minds. We must learn how to master time, or it will be our master.

However, we are in desperate need to just wait with God while He blesses us. Why rush? What does rushing cause? Nothing but stress, anxiety, and unhappiness may be some. God loves time spent with Him. He treasures it more than silver and gold. He adores us and the time spent with us. I've personally learned that I don't need to rush into God's presence with a "time limit" in my mind. I should learn to get lost in His love and forget about the things on my to do list or whatever the day holds. We are time-bound creatures, but that we are to seek Him in timelessness and dwell in it.

As I continue to focus on Gods presence, the demands of time and tasks will diminish. God will bless us for this, making His Face shine upon us graciously, giving us His peace. The amazing thing is our Father completely understands our feelings and our needs for things. Whether it be for time, love, attention, for a better job, joy, happiness, a better house, clothes, food, money.....whatever the need be. How could He not understand? We are made after our Heavenly Father. I am currently reading a book called "Think" by John Piper, and he explained perfectly how human nature is rooted in Gods nature:

"Human feeling and thinking did not exist arbitrarily; they exist because we are in the image of God, and God's "thinking" and "feeling" are more deeply part of His Trinitarian being that I had realized. God the Father hsa had an eternal imagine and idea of himself that is so full it is another Person standing forth- His son, Jesus. And God the Father and the Son had an eternal joy in each other's excellence that carries so fully they are that another Person stands forth., the Holy Spirit. But the amazing reality for our purposes here is that God's existence as a Trinity of Persons is the foundation of human nature as head and hear, thinking and feeling, knowing and loving."

I know with all my heart, God has a reason for the things that happen in our lives. We are each beautifully and uniquely different with all kinds of stories we could tell about the things we have experienced in life. The most important thing to remember is that it's all for a purpose, and that purpose is to glorify Christ. Share your stories with others, small or big, it could change a persons life for eternity. Dwell in Christ's timelessness. Forget about what the world says you have to get done; lose yourself in His perfect love and truth. He understands more than anyone ever will. He knows our needs, our passions, our desires and wants to comfort us in the difficult and good times. I have to continually remind myself these things, and that doesn't make me a bad person. I am human, I am a sinner, and I don't deserve these beautiful gifts from God. But that's the amazing thing- He is so in love with us that He wants us, as dirty as we are, to have the most purest gifts from Him. Gifts of wisdom, understanding, love, hope, knowledge, happiness, and peace. Wow. Just as God allows me the think about those things gives me chills. I could not ask for a better Father.

"If you call out for insight and raise your voice for understanding, if you seek it like silver an search for it as for hidden treasures, then you will understand the fear of the Lord and find the knowledge of God." Proverbs 2:3-5

(I was inspired to write this from my devotional- Jesus Calling by Sarah Young- I strongly recommend getting it!)

Haitian Happiness (Day 7, 8, & 9)

Day 7-8, Thursday-Friday, May 19-20, 2011
Today was no fun at all. I woke up at 2 AM Thursday morning and started throwing up. I threw up about five times all through out the day. I have never felt so weak before and with a huge headache on top of that. Lori took care of me all day long while the team went and gave clean water to families. I was really upset about this because I wasn't able to help out on such a huge experience that I am sure changed lives. I tried getting up and meeting the team around 3 PM but as soon as I got there I got sick again and had to come right back home. The smells and Haiti and the bumpy roads did not help one bit. I have a lot more respect for missionaries. Being sick, not at home, and out of my comfort zone seemed to make everything worse. I was starting to get kind of homesick at this point. I have got to pray hard about this issue though and ask for strength from God. He would not allow me to get sick at this point for no reason- whether its for me to know how to handle this next time I go on a trip or to just see things from a different point of view- whatever that may be. Lori was my mom this day- she did absolutely everything for me in order to feel better. I don't know what I would have done without her!
(To see the video of everyone distributing clean water- check out Journey 117 on facebook and look at the videos!)
Everyone went to church Friday morning around 6 AM except for me and Lauren (because she stayed this time to take care of me). I have met some amazing people on this trip. God is so good to me- He receives ALL the glory in the world, yet we rarely express that. I started feeling a lot better so when everyone got back from church we all went and distributed water filters to families in the community that are not able to get clean water. Without clean water, people are prone to more diseases, bacteria, and cholera. It is amazing the little things we take for granted such as water filters.
This middle of the week is starting to get harder on me. I am starting to miss everyone back home and wondering what they are all doing. I had heard this stupid assumption that the world was suppose to end tonight- the funny thing is I actually somewhat thought this man that predicted it must know something we don't! Retarded...I know...
Next time I go on a mission trip I will remember to bring a loofah, more tank tops because its SO hot, and my face wash/face medicine (pimples are your enemy because you are always sweating!). This heat/dryness is no joke either. I'm starting to fall apart and my hands are so raw and peeling from washing clothes. I pray that God calms and eases my nerves. It blows my mind how much faith people here in Haiti have- so inspiring.

30 water filters we all had to build

Lauren and me building our filter

Day 9, Saturday, May 21, 2011

Our last day before we left was a blast. After we delivered some more water filters that morning to some amazing people in Haiti, we went to the beach. It wasn't exactly your normal Florida beach, but hey, at least it was a beach! I am so blessed to have known every person on this team. We have all shared so many good memories and have become so close in just 10 days. Its amazing how the Holy Spirit moves and connects people together. We went to Tom's (Healing Haiti guy) guest house and had dinner- and guess what?! It was NOT rice and beans! It was pizza, spaghetti, coke, and chocolate. Talk about overload. We all ate like we have never ate before. It was the best meal I had ever had but definitely regretted eating it later on. After we ate we had a night of worship where we just sand and loved on everyone. It was such a great way to end the night.
Right now I am flying back to Miami and I am still wondering how I am going to feel when I get back home. My heart has been so touched and broken over the last week and my eyes have been open to so much stuff that I have been so blind to. Poverty is huge in the world but you will never know what it truly looks like until you experience it first hand- I believe that with all my heart.
One thing that broke me the most was yesterday when we were delivering water filters to the families in Haiti and there was this one family of ten that was bad off. They had nine kids and one lady who was very ill. She took in her nephew and niece after their parents died in the earthquake. The lady is too sick to work and she can't afford for the kids to go to school either. She was late on last years rent and this years was coming up and she didn't have the money to pay it. We asked her how much total it would all cost her and she said $150- WOW, $150?! Some people spend that much on clothes and purses. How can we go back and be the same knowing there is hurting people out there like this? We prayed over the family and many others and almost every one of them asked that we prayed that their faith would be strengthened. These people have NOTHING but faith to depend on- sometimes we all need to be put in those situations.
I am so thankful to God for this HUGE opportunity He has given me to experience this trip. I can only imagine how many more He has planned for me, but for now, I am just going to take it one day at a time and see how God can continue to use me back home.

Haitian Happiness (Day 5 & 6)

Day 5- Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Today was a lot easier after an emotional roller coaster we were all on the day before. We actually went to a very organized, well taken care of orphanage ran by an American couple. They had been in Haiti for 9 years and were well experienced with how to run things at their place. They found babies either in dumpsters, left at their doorsteps, or from people calling begging them to take the kids because they can no longer take care of them. This couple is a gift from God. They live on complete faith that God is going to provide everything from finances to groceries to the care and love they need to give these children.
After a long (and not to mention hot) day of playing with the children, we all went home and relaxed. A man from John Piper's church, who is the mission leader, met us at the guest house the evening before to stay for a day or two. He taught us a game to play that we have never played before and we taught him how to eat a peanut butter and oreo cookie together. It was such a fun night and to make it even better, it ended up raining! You better believe we stood in that rain for a good while cooling off. It was a great way to end the night!

Day 6- Wednesday, May 18, 2011

HEBREWS 10

Today was really laid back- we went to an orphanage where they prepare kids for adoption. It was very relaxing and not hard work at all. We painted, washed clothes, made jewelry, ate some more rice (yuck!), rocked some babies to sleep, and came back to the guest house around 5 pm. We washed our clothes back home (after our hands were rubbed raw from washing at the orphanage), did out devotional, and then some of us girls had a heart to heart about certain issues. I cannot express in words how great it is to have such good Christian friends in your life who constantly encourage you in prayer and are always positive. It is a huge asset (I believe) in being happy in life. There are a lot of places in Proverbs where it talks about having an adviser, or someone you can become dependable on and accountable with. God has poured out His blessings on this team and I could not ask for a better group to share this experience with.